Reminder

 

I just want to remind people that I began this page to promote awareness of Childhood sexual abuse. That means reflecting on some experiences that sucked and how I have learned from them. I’m not sad, I don’t dwell, I am not a victim and I’m not in denial. I talk about some seriously depressing things because they need to be spoken of. I express my journey honestly because I want to be authentic to what Childhood sexual abuse does to those living through it and with it. I’m hoping to help shed some light on the topic, release the shame which prevents people from talking about it and hopefully save future victims by destroying the stigma, secrets and lies that have been perpetuating this madness for generations.

While it’s true that I talk about horrific things, rest assured I’m not walking around with my head down mourning my what could have been. I’m damn proud of who I am, what I do and how I’m doing it. I’m a generally happy person. I’m a rock star among 3 and 4-year-old kids and many adults enjoy my company as well. I’m not perfect and I have some bad days but talking about this doesn’t mean I’m not moving forward. Exactly the opposite. If I wanted to talk about baking cakes and rainbows shooting out of my ass I would have started a care bear awareness site. I easily could have done that. I love Care Bears. I just feel that reaching those who are hurting from abuse is a lot more important and a lot less available or easy to find than insignificant bullshit about hair treatments or the bachelor or whatever. So, I’m going to keep doing what I do. And that makes me happy.

Reflection

This is an honest reflection in response to an ongoing thread from last week. A reader I have immense respect for asked a question about what “we” may be putting out there unknowingly that causes re victimization. First and most importantly, any person sexually assaulted is not putting anything out there to cause that. Especially children. They are an innocent target. Abuse is about control. No vibes, no fault, no blame and no shame.

I don’t think that is what she meant though. So here is my answer on why I think I continued to be a victim unknowingly beyond sexual abuse. Until I started talking about this openly in a different way. I’m learning as I go. We all are.

I am a total enabler. I don’t mean to be, but I want to help those I can. Especially those I love. It has taken 35 years to figure out that trying to make others happy at my own expense is not healthy and doesn’t give them the tools they need to succeed without relying on me. Manipulators sense that need to help. And exploit it.

I am too trusting and believe even after all I have seen that hurt people need understanding and attention. This sometimes attracts people who knowingly take advantage of my at times naive but overall optimistic nature.

I never learned what healthy relationships were. To me, dysfunction was normal. If somebody was somehow treating me right, it didn’t feel right. I was taught at a young age I was here to satisfy others and my feelings or needs didn’t matter. I internalized that and have the self-confidence of fried dog crap. Again, people looking to control or manipulate sense that from 825 miles away.

I operate 90% of the time from a place of guilt. Again, purposely instilled in me as a child. I feel guilty constantly. Guilty about what I didn’t do or did do or want to do or think about doing. I feel guilty about judgment or shame or the way people see me or don’t. I feel guilty that I exist. Guilty that I’m expressing these thoughts. Guilty that I’m not good enough or said the wrong thing or did not drop everything important for me (especially my need to re charge) in an effort to help someone else that may be guilting me into satisfying their needs.

I am terrified of letting anyone get to know me that might hurt me or even just like me too much in a good way and then possibly get too close because then they might, gosh forbid, see and know all that I listed above. That could mean they might take advantage of me. Or try too.

I’m incredibly defensive. Even if you’re coming from a good place, I’m going to doubt your motives initially. This creates chaos and confusion and puts out some seriously messed up vibes on my end I unintentionally send out.

This is what I have learned I’m putting out there as an adult that holds me back. This is what I’m working on changing. It’s not easy. But I’m trying.