I’m sitting here with nothing but my rage.
The crying has not helped. It has not made the pain subside. I have cried enough. My eyes lids are swollen to the point of popping. I wish they would.
All the better to not see things clearly.
I can’t breathe. My nose is raw from blowing snot and I’m running out of the bodily fluids that release suffering.
The agony of this.
I wish I could explain through key strokes the scream that is demanding to be heard. Building and building. Cracking through. Desperately trying to crawl out.
The guttural, primal rawness.
How can I ever mange the truth of it?
Why does it have to be so damn familiar?
A new fight would offer new experiences and possible new ways to deal with the opponent. New ways to deny and compartmentalize. Possible opportunities to manipulate facts.
This though. This personal, unavoidable and familiar enemy. It is mocking me.
“What are you going to do now?”
It taunts, dancing around my brain.
“Your move. How are you going to fight me this time? You can’t win. You will never win.”
It fuels my rage.
It is there and it deserves to be heard. I have not honored it. Have not broken shit or raged irrationally at the wrong people or gotten shit faced or tried to numb it away or blamed anyone other than myself.
I have not given it the usual pampering and attention that it craves, this disdain that is my shadow companion.
My anger had not dissipated. Not even a fraction. But I have yet to act on it. That is the glaring difference.
Is this how I win?
By finally acknowledging that the anger can be a part of me without letting it claim me?
And why does the test have to be so soul wrenchingly, blatantly personal to everything that I know to be right? A slap in the face to the injustices I know more should be angrier about? There is no deserving or not deserving. There is just the knowing that pain is inevitable and being right doesn’t make a difference. In the most crucial battles, winning and losing are interchangeable.
Absorb that injustice into your system and sit with it.
Do I have every right to unleash this part of myself?
Do it now…
I could defend it. Explain it. Rationalize it. It’s mine. I have earned this rage.
But I cannot. I have not. It has everything and nothing to do with me.
Releasing my inner demon will not help this time and it is pissing me off even more that this is the lesson in which I finally have to learn that reality.