Physical activity

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This one is the worst. Seriously. I had to cut my head out of the picture because I was too ashamed to look at my miserable face. The only reason I keep it  so can look back and remember how bad it really was.

No comments about cutting my head off because of the Jets hat please.

Exercise is tough to talk about. Mainly because it is my “healthy” addiction. Sometimes I avoid it even though I know how much better it will make me feel. I do this precisely because I don’t want to feel better. If I thought about it rationally and tried to really dig into these thoughts I  would say not doing things I know are going to make me feel healthier is one of the ways I punish myself for attempting to think I deserve anything.

Those feelings will always linger. They were instilled in me very early. It is one thing to be told you matter, it is entirely different to feel that way.

I try not to think about it too much because I’m still kind of a self destructive asshole. I think it is only fair that all of you know that. There has been so much support since I have started sharing my writing and I think overall I’m a decent person but I’m human just like anyone.

Sometimes I’m just a bitch. Even if it is to myself.

I also avoided exercise because I didn’t trust people that were healthy. Or maybe I was jealous of them. I didn’t buy into their shit, I know that for a fact.Runners high? Right. I honestly though that was a myth to try to motivate fat chicks to get moving or further make fun of us. I despised physical activity.

I began walking because I needed to have some time that was mine and mine alone. It really had nothing to do with weight loss. I needed to get away from people. I’m an introvert to the highest degree. I need alone time to recharge and I wasn’t getting it. My energy and my thoughts and my time belonged to everybody but me.

I started walking to get the hell away from everybody, even if i was only for 10 minutes.

It was embarrassing initially. I sweated profusely, my face was deep red from effort, jerks would yell things at me from their cars as they passed by. Once a teenage kid threw a soda can at me and called me a “Lazy cow.” That was special. Sharing it for the first time here. Another time a man pulled over and offered me a ride. He told me he thought I was beautiful even though I was chubby. I didn’t know if I should be scared or offended. I chose the latter.

I added 25 sit ups a  day to my walking routine. I tried push ups too but couldn’t manage it because of my weight and my weakness. One day when going up the stairs I realized that if I used the stairs while pushing off them in a plank style position I could do a modified push up. I added 25 off these to my daily routine. I started walking for 25 minutes a day instead of 10.

I started hiking.

I started going for walks on my break while at work as well as at night after I got home. I added more sit ups, eventually working up to 100 a day and I built up enough strength to start doing actual push ups.

I bought new clothes that fit me and showed off all my hard work. I panicked when people complimented me and went back to wearing all my old, baggy clothes.

I jogged in place while watching hockey and football on TV, but only during intermission, halftime and commercials. Initially only for commercials. I worked my way up to intermission and halftime.

Eventually I decided to start running for real and and I fell in love with physical activity for the first time ever. I signed up for my first 5K. I showed up for it even though I was terrified and I accomplish something I never thought I could.

I found out that that runners high is an actual thing and healthy people are not the enemy. Well, Most of them aren’t anyways.

The most important thing I did was claim my time and let myself know I was worthy of it.


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