Anxiety

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I could write a book about it.

I have had debilitating moments of anxiety my entire life.

There have been times when I am in mid conversation with somebody and I hear myself talking and I actually panic. Then I act all weird and say something  off topic and walk away mumbling with my head down.

In mid conversation.

I’m sorry to the 97% of you who have experienced this while attempting to talk to me.

I’m still trying to accept that I have PTSD and not let that define me. More about that some other time. Maybe.

Writing about all of this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done. My fear of the reactions I will receive and the negativity I knew I would invite into my life has caused my already anxious brain to imagine the absolute worst scenario every time I push the publish button.

I woke up this morning to find a message waiting for me from a woman I have known for a very long time. She is smart and beautiful and courageous and to be honest I kind of always thought I wasn’t “good” enough to be in her world. Not because she made me feel that way but because of my own shitty self image. She described an incident she recently experienced that made her feel doubt and pissed her off.  Something she had no control over. It happened around dinner time.

Then she said this…

“So I thought really hard, do I want to eat my anger, sadness, embarrassment? And I thought about what you might do. So I took some deep breaths, tried to name all of my “shameful” emotions like anger, hurt, shame, fear, sadness, and only then did I eat my dinner. It’s funny that we’re so far away, at different stages of this journey, but you and your writing and your presence are helping me SO VERY MUCH. My body deserves my protection. I do not want to eat my feelings anymore.”
I cannot properly ever find a word or phrase to describe the magnitude of support and encouragement I have received since starting this journey.
Many say I am brave. I don’t feel that way. Far from it. Everyone of you that have reached out to me and thanked me and shared your stories with me or read anything I have written have helped me to know it is okay to continue to fight this fight and try to make a difference.
I’m going to stop now because I’m feeling anxious that I am rambling and being corny or trite. My issues are not confined to the obvious.
I just want to throw this out there one more time though because it is worth repeating.
“My body deserves my protection.”
That is my motto for the day.

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