You do not exist.
A friend of mine sent me a video recently.When I went to watch it, the following message popped up:
Error occurred during validation. Video does not exist.
The words were accompanied by a sad little face. It couldn’t even manage a full on frown. It was just a slanted line of despair. I felt its sorrow of non-existence. It tried to matter. It honestly did. It wanted to be there. It wanted to show up.
This simple message sums up everything I having been feeling for the last whatever many years of my life. I don’t even exist. And I’m terribly sorry for all of you that I don’t.
Sorry. I’m always sorry. Sorry is an Adjective meaning regrettable or deplorable. I am both of these things. It also has been defined as wretched or inferior. I can be these as well. At times they define me.
I do exist. Of course I do. When I am helping other people or listening to their sorrows or absorbing their concerns or being what they need me to be or think I am or want me to be.
Or they can fuck me. Or fuck me over. Or I make them feel just a bit better so they can continue on with their miserable existence of wanting desperately to feel validated.
Validated. Verb. Paste tense. Means to demonstrate or support the truth or value of.
“In a healthy family a child’s feelings are validated.”
No shit. How ironic.
So what you are telling me google dictionary is that some sort of error occurred during my childhood need for validation?
I am starting to feel that I might never be validated. Some error message will forever be popping up.
Who am I to complain about anything at all? I should really stop being such a depressingly sad sack and move on. Seriously.
Validate me! I matter! Notice me! Want me! Listen to me. I have something to say. I’m screaming. Can’t anyone hear me?
I am ashamed that I want any of those things for myself yet so freely and easily I am able to make sure others have them.
Victim. Noun. “A person harmed, injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident, event or other action.”
Did they harm, injure or kill me? Or all three?
Harm? Maybe. Not physically as much as mentally. Injure? Which part? Kill? Not to sound overly dramatic but I think I am still trying to figure that out. I’m sure it wasn’t accidental and many don’t even consider it to be a crime. It certainly was an action.
If they took the time to consider I existed.
So am I even a victim? Maybe a causality? Who decides? The only person continuing to let myself be victimized now is me.
And I’m way too valuable to be your causality.