An Error Occurred During Validation

You do not exist.

A friend of mine sent me a video recently.When I went to watch it, the following message popped up:

Error occurred during validation. Video does not exist.

The words were accompanied by a sad little face. It couldn’t even manage a full on frown. It was just a slanted line of despair. I felt its sorrow of non-existence. It tried to matter. It honestly did. It wanted to be there. It wanted to show up.

This simple message sums up everything I having been feeling for the last whatever many  years of my life. I don’t even exist. And I’m terribly sorry for all of you that I don’t.

Sorry. I’m always sorry. Sorry is an Adjective meaning regrettable or deplorable. I am both of these things. It also has been defined as wretched or inferior. I can be these as well. At times they define me.

I do exist. Of course I do. When I am helping other people or listening to their sorrows or absorbing their concerns or being what they need me to be or think I am or want me to be.

Or they can fuck me. Or fuck me over. Or I make them feel just a bit better so they can continue on with their miserable existence of wanting desperately to feel validated.

Validated. Verb. Paste tense. Means to demonstrate or support the truth or value of.

Example given…

“In a healthy family a child’s feelings are validated.”

No shit. How ironic.

So what you are telling me google dictionary is that some sort of error occurred during my childhood need for validation?

Shocking.

I am starting to feel that I might never be validated. Some error message will forever be popping up.

Ego.

Victim.

Who am I to complain about anything at all? I should really stop being such a depressingly sad sack  and move on. Seriously.

Validate me! I matter! Notice me! Want me! Listen to me. I have something to say. I’m screaming. Can’t anyone hear me?

Move on.

Can I?

I am ashamed that I want any of those things for myself yet so freely and easily I am able to make sure others have them.

Victim. Noun.  “A person harmed, injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident, event or other action.”

Did they harm, injure or kill me? Or all three?

Harm? Maybe. Not physically as much as mentally.  Injure? Which part? Kill? Not to sound overly dramatic but I think I am still trying to figure that out. I’m sure it wasn’t accidental and many don’t even consider it to be a crime. It certainly was an action.

If they took the time to consider I existed.

So am I even a victim? Maybe a causality? Who decides? The only person continuing to let myself be victimized now is me.

And I’m way too valuable to be your causality.

7 thoughts on “An Error Occurred During Validation

  1. Coming up against this stuff is sheer terror. And agony. And utter despair. Hollow emptiness. But it’s a vital step in the process of becoming whole, which I believe is possible. Although I don’t feel whole all the time. Every time I am triggered, I fragment into shards. But I don’t have to sit stewing in it, letting it seep through my pores like I once did. I don’t feel like I want to vomit, or claw myself out of my own skin to escape it. I guess I am trying to be encouraging by telling you it gets better and healing is possible. I wrap love around you and the beautiful and brilliant little girl I know you once were. I see you and you matter. And you are so much more than this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Xoxo. Crying is not only appropriate. But absolutely necessary. There is plenty to cry about. This shit is soooo taxing and a complete energy drain. I don’t know where you are in terms of professional help, whether you’re already seeing someone or still anxious about it. But, I’d welcome any talk about tools that I found particularly useful in scaling the sheer cliff of facing these demons. Wherever you are now, you are safe. You are capable of loving little Shana in the ways she needs.

      Like

  2. Ever realize why kids with Down’s Syndrome are so happy?
    My answer is…they aren’t aware of their disability so they are unable to allow themselves to be defined by it.
    They didn’t ask for it or deserve it either.
    Just a thought.

    Like

    1. Can you elaborate? Not sure I’m picking up what you are putting down. I don’t define myself by this. Far from it. I am finding a way so that it doesn’t define me. Being born with a disability and being traumatized when you are well aware that it is happening is a completely different ball of wax. A child with Down’s is a person who doesn’t deserved to be abused just like any other?

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s